1. Drink as little water as posible. Replace your daily allowance with any caffeinated beverage- coffee, colas and alcohol are particularly efficient dehydrators.

2. Take taxis aften to avoid walking short distances. Take the lift or escalators and cut down on your use of stairs.

3. Life is a spectator sport. If you do enjoy sports, watch your favorite team on TV.

4. Replace whole foods, fruits and vegetables with processed edible products containing high amounts of chemical additives and synthetic preservatives.

5.Indulge in late night binge drinking on a regular basis. This can be especially effective when scheduled on work nights and combined with skipping the evening meal. Drink absolutely no water before going to bed or on waking.

6. Increase your exposure to the sun’s UV rays. You must apply sunscreen, choose an oil-based product with ni greater than factor of 2 protection for speedy results.

7. Consume large amounts of animal protien and processed carbohydrates prepared with trans fats in the evening, preferably just before bed.

8. Give up vacation time  completely. This includes short breaks, weekends and long holidays. Opt instead to start work early, stay late at the office into the evening and bring work  home.

9. REsist all urges to socialize with family or friends or play with your children. When this is possible, purchase a blackberry or similar portable device to provide regular distractions and important reminders of problems at work. Never, under any circumtances, turn off your mobile phones.

10. Abstain from soulful sex.

BONUS TIP: SMOKE FREELY…. GOT IT?